dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize