There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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