she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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