Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize