Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
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The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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