I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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