the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize