I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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