I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
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If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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