My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
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What changed your mind?
Being sober
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
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I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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