My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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