He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
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I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
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I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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