The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
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I want her autograph on my taint
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
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Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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