The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
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this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
worst night to have a conscience
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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