I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
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i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
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I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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