Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
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Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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