she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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