Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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