Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
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I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize