i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
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Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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