What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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