My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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