Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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