"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
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Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
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I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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