"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
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can u get pink eye on your cock?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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