A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
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He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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