i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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