so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
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3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
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turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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