Got a toothbrush?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
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It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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