If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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