Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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