if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
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I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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