I cannot find my penis.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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