He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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