My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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