I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
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i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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