After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
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can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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