Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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