Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
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I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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