Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize