Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
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So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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