What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
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My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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