When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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