so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize