You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
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She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
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If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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