I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
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drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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