i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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