I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
whose ass print is on the piano?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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