true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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