I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
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You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
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Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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